Introduction

If you are skeptical about the idea of being able to get on with anyone, you may well wonder about the “well almost” in the title You Can Live with Anyone, well almost. Let me clarify that. It would be foolhardy to try to include some people in your circle of family, friends, colleagues and acquaintances. Axe murderers spring to mind, why would you take the risk? On a more serious note people that fall into the “well almost” category would be those that have marked personality problems and probably need specialised attention.

Unfortunately, however much we may like to, we can’t lump everyone we find difficult into that basket. Even though it would make our life a lot easier. Firstly, we have to look fairly and squarely at the part we play in the relationship difficulties we are having. But the good news is, that after you have undertaken the journey that this book will take you on, you will be well equipped to make that decision and then take appropriate action with that impossible other.

In undertaking this exciting trip you will realise that it is not about changing others, it is about changing you and the way you react to others. This is infinitely easier to do than trying to modify the behavioural patterns of others, who think that you are being the impossible one.

Friction is an inevitable part of living together and life without friction would probably be pretty dull. Often the more intimate and connected the relationship, the greater the potential for fireworks. Rather than to be feared, fireworks signal passion and energy, they are often the life in a relationship, a sign of vitality. This book is about understanding the friction, becoming aware of where it comes from and how it works, so it does not run rampant through your life destroying your relationships. You will have control over the tensions, rather than them controlling you and your reactions.

Look at it another way. Before a diamond is polished it is an opaque lump, not particularly special. That uncut diamond needs friction to become a gemstone. Our difficult relationships are the friction turning us, as unpolished diamonds into glittering gems, reflecting all the colours of the spectrum. We actually need friction to reveal our true beauty. The problem is, the friction is never comfortable and we try hard to avoid it. You Can Live with Anyone, well Almost aims to make that polishing process less painful so we emerge as the gemstone, which is the essence of who we really are.

Fear, our need to keep safe to survive and our conditioning as children, have largely worked to suppress our true essence. If we had no fear, our relationships could flourish and grow and there would be room for us all with our particular idiosyncrasies. On this voyage of self-discovery, we have to be prepared to delve within ourselves, have the courage to face fears and have the endurance to follow through and apply our learning. We all have the resources within us right now to do this and we can make it work. That doesn’t mean that there won’t be any more challenging, teeth-grinding relationship dilemmas to resolve. However, hopefully we’ll perceive them as challenges and hunt for the clues to resolutions in the damaging patterns, rather than either; walk away from relationships, continue discontentedly or, even initiate destructive conflict that festers for years.

What I learnt on my own journey of self-discovery was that it wasn’t about changing others, as I always wanted to do, it was about learning why I thought the way I did, and understanding how my own unique programming had influenced the way I choose to see things. Have you any idea of how your own conditioning or programming affects the way you see things? Reading this book, we will learn what makes us tick and how our personal thoughts and belief systems have evolved. Often we avoid learning and getting to know ourselves as it can be painful, but it’s much more painful not knowing. The good news is that when we do the work of finding out about ourselves, we don’t continue to set up the same destructive patterns time and time again. Once we start on this journey the rewards come quickly giving us renewed zest and energy. As we learn about ourselves our life force grows. Self-knowledge inevitably increases as does love,  courage and creativity, which reduces fear, conflict and hostility. As we become more self-aware change comes easily.

You Can Live with Anyone, well almost will enable you to become your own therapist. You will learn how to read your own body reactions to feelings and events, which will give you raw and vital clues to what is being experienced and felt deep down in your unconscious. You’ll meet your secret self, a part of yourself that initially you probably would rather not know and yet, you will come to value as the key to many of your relationship difficulties. You will learn to analyse these signs and appreciate the extreme lengths you go to, that we all go to, to disguise what you do not want to think about or know. But when you truly begin to know yourself, you not only become stronger, but also more compassionate and loving. We will also examine what healthy relationships look like and what you need to experience a fulfilling interchange.

My experience as a therapist over many years has shown me that many people are unaware of what is an unhealthy cycle. An abusive cycle can, and usually does continue through generations. A child learns what his or her caretakers shows them and as such, automatically assumes that it is the norm, because he has no other yardstick to measure with or no other experience.

On this inward journey of self-awareness you cannot lose, you can only gain. Self-awareness becomes an integral part of our lives and brings its own gifts, since we never stop learning and growing. It builds our self worth and contentment as well as showing us that relationships are the gateway to spirituality.

I wanted to write this book for many reasons, but primarily because my own voyage of self-discovery has had a huge effect for the better on my life, and I think my family’s life, so I wanted to share this information with you. I started to understand that the friction, anger, and resentment I was experiencing was about me and not others that I wanted to blame. Slowly I realised that there was lots to gain by exploring what had caused me anger, frustration, and pain.